I'm off sick (a tale of two postures)
My body has spoken and I have decided I am not able to do a days work. It has been quite a journey just getting to this place and maybe I should have decided this yesterday?
The decision is made and I'm physically at home - but inside I'm still not buying it. Despite the sore throat, the aches and pains - the questions surface again and again - "Can i afford to be off?". "What about that phone call?" I sleep during the day, my nose is streaming. For goodness sake give yourself a break! Be kind to yourself!
I cant! Once the decision was made to phone in sick, in came the supporting cast. I am going to call them 'Guilt' and 'Rebellion' They represent two postures I normally take or accommodate when I am in this place. Guilt because i cant escape the "i ought to be doing this or that" or "I am letting everyone down" and Rebellion - which sounds like.. "Well stuff 'em, i cant keep going like this". "What do they expect of me?" (There are deeper agreements here, I know!)
The posture of Guilt comes from the belief that I'm not meeting the standard! (Thats a legal framework isn't it?). I feel guilty of non-compliance, after all everyone else seems to have it together, they seem to know what the deal is and they seem to be getting on with it?! Thats the message I have grown up with.
The rebellious posture seems to offer a quick resolution to the problem. This is tricky however, because I run my own business! Who do i rebel against? Perhaps I will go and look in the mirror and tell myself to go easy on myself? Rebellion is a cul-de-sac however, it recognises the law and shuns it. It says "**** you" to the expectations and those setting them, but then wants to run and hide, knowing deep inside that it cant really escape.
If it was one or the other that would be enough, but when I'm constantly moving between these two postures - then this gets really exhausting. It is getting exhausting, and no amount of daytime TV or self pity is going to end this conflict. "Jesus, help me find a way through this".
Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Romans 12:2 (NLT)
Oh there it is! I do have a choice, an alternative way of handling this. Its going to take a radical adjustment in my thinking. Its going to involve trust, its going to be counter intuitive. The truth is that I am under grace and not law. I remember someone saying in a garden somewhere that - I am no longer of this world.
I can trust God that he has my business for a day or however long. I can trust God that I am no longer under the weight of 'ought and should'. I can trust God to write the cheque, fill in the blanks. I am now in a different mindset, peace comes. And then ...
... Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 (NLT)
As clarity finally comes to my mind and the mental and emotional wrestling subsides - then comes the realisation - God wants to speak, God is saying slow down. God has interrupted me and I am finally in a position to listen and to be.
He never fails to to come after me. I want to adopt another posture. The posture of a son.