I'm lying here, its cozy and the pillows are soft. The duvet is pulled up tight around my neck. The justifications are ringing around my head. "Its been a tough day", "I didn't get much sleep last night" or "catching an occasional nap in the afternoon is normal at this age - isn't it?"
Its 4pm and I've drawn the curtains - but the daylight comes in, albeit dimmed and filtered through polyester cotton. I shouldn't be here. I know that - that pervasive low level guilt lets me know that I'm not supposed to be horizontal.
This time it isn't rest and recuperation. The truth is, it's hiding - I've set my alarm for only one hour - but I'm hiding!
Hiding from what? Answer: Hiding from having to face up to life - just for an hour!
Questions have been asked of me as a man, opportunities to stand firm, opportunities to offer my strength - but instead, I bought the lie, that subtle lie that rings so true - "You haven't got what it takes Rob - ease off".
Like most of the enemy's lies - there is a truth here that has been twisted. My false self hasn't got what it takes, that bit is true - if that is the identity I am living under. I had bought another lie beforehand concerning my identity. It went something like this.... "If you are a child of God....."
So many men hide! - Staying over at work again, in one more beer, straight to the man-cave when you get back from work. (Man-caves are great btw - but not as hiding places). Unfathered and wounded men checking out for an hour, a day, a week or perhaps from here on in.
A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest - then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit; scarcity will attack you like an armed robber. [Prov. 24 33-34]
So what is the difference between R&R and hiding? The answer is motive! Don't we hide when we simply don't have the stamina to maintain that pose of "I've got all my shit together!"? When we are frightened that someone will discover that we are faking it? We have been building on sand again with sticks and straw and it's showing. Surprisingly or not, many of us hide the most from the ones we love because that is where we fear our biggest failures lie.
Jesus gives us permission to drop the pretence, to come to Him and rest. True rest and true life is found when we lose our life, when we drop the falsehood and when we believe and confess that 1. I am a child of God and 2. My heavenly Father believes in me and that I've got what it takes.
We so desperately need that permission and we need to exercise faith in the one who offers it.
And so God says to me - "Get up Rob, pick up your mat! I will be your strength today, I will father you today, I will be your shield today".
I push the covers away like a dead man called forth into life. Its time to trust and it's time to live.
(Originally published March, 2019)